Living with Parkinson's Disease

An incurable disease
I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in June 2005. Having never been sick except some ailments that were not as big as the one I was told by the neurologist at the end of the consultation visit that afternoon in his Glenfield clinic. I was explained what this disease was about and was told by the doctor that it was so far an incurable disease but medication is available to help get its symptoms under control. I thought my life was nearly coming to the end. So in October, I took one week of my annual leave for holiday and flew to Sydney where my 4th sister lived. The main purpose of this trip was to say goodbye to her. But the doctor later corrected my perception of it that PD is incurable at the moment, definitely is not a life threatening disease.

Medication
Having told me all the basic information of my PD, doctor asked me if I would like to take medicine to compress the symptoms I had experienced at that stage being: depression, tremor on right hand, nervousness when doing serious jobs. I said, "No, I am not prepared mentally to take medication today. Let me contemplate it for a few days" "that's alright, a lot of patients chose no medicine at the first visit. Feel free to call me to get your prescription when you are prepared."

The annual review at work
The boss whom I worked for had scheduled to interview me for the annual review by which the top boss determined how much of the pay rise was fair to me, and this was due to happen in August. My tremor was getting more serious week by week. Driving was becoming more challenging to me as it stressed me more and more, and so I relied on my colleagues' support in driving me around to the various venues wherever we were supposed to attend any activity. I said to myself that my tremor mustn't be seen by the boss on my annual review day otherwise my employment will be broken.

That day came finally
I was just 54 years of age at the time of seeing my employment under threat from my ill-fated disease. My daughter was not yet fully independent financially after her graduation in 2005, and my son was still in his form 5 year of the high school. No, I was not allowed to lose the job. So about 2 months before the interview day was up, I called the neurologist to ask for my prescription.

I anticipated a full effect from the medicine called Medorpa to seamlessly cover up my symptoms. However, I could not feel anything good or bad after one week of medication. The next visit was after the interview. Even though I could request to reschedule the visit, I had no confidence that the adjusted medication would make much difference, so I left the result of the interview to the hands of my fate.
That day came finally. I travelled to the office with a heavy heart. I was seated opposite to a swivel chair across a table awaiting the boss to inquire me with some queries relating to my performance on the job.

I took several deep breath trying to make myself look more relaxing, however, I was still able to sense the slight trembling on my fingers. By the time I had been seated and got my notepad and pen set out on the table, the boss walked toward the meeting room lightly and elegantly as he used to be. I was told some months later in a company social function that he like dancing and had learned ballet during his high school days in South Africa.

Before long, he appeared at a spot one step before me and reached his right hand to greet me. "Nice to see you Morris, how are you?", "Nice to see you boss, I am well, thank you". I reached my hand to shake with his, and at the moment my palm was moving toward his, I could see the fingers were in apparent tremor. I quickly grabbed his and shook wholeheartedly with the best smile I could make trying to hide the trembling hand. But he spotted it.

An instant wit flush helped me out
My boss asked me, in a way that was far from an ordinary inquiry, to raise my hand again after we had finished the mutual greeting. "no, no, wait, wait a minute, show me your hand again. Why did I see it was shaky. Anything wrong with it?" asked quite aggressively.

My thoughts were spinning swiftly for a reasonable reply or tactical reaction to flood over the challenge I faced. Suddenly came up from nowhere, I saw in my mind screen a group of Maori dancers waving both of their hands back and forth across the front face with a slight vibration seen on the hands. Someone in one of our Maori culture workshops did pop up this question to ask the program presenter as to what the frequently seen hand vibrating in the Maori dancing stand for? and the answer was simply the symbolization of the ocean current the migrating Maoris experienced during their adventure in coming to the Aotearoa.

Immediately I raised up my arms and demonstrated an elegant Maori greeting gesture by shaking my hands vigorously, "oh! nothing wrong, I have been applying the Maori greeting culture in places whenever possible to enforce the learning to my colleagues and students, and so my hands seem to have been tuned to behave like that." And this nervous episode was over, and we got back to business. At the end of the meeting, the boss complimented me a bit and gave me a figure saying that because of my effort in the job I deserved that percentage of wage raise. Then he sent me off by the door and reminded me the pay rise will reflect in the upcoming pay slip.

I could not drive -
Once you have lost your health, you are destined to see a more rapid physical deterioration than healthy people. The first problem that came up to me was the bad tremor on right leg.

On one sunny morning, we were supposed to attend the PA meeting in the city. I volunteered to take 4 other PA's in my car to help reduce the worsening Auckland traffic. My driving behaviour was reputable among our team members, soon all the vacant seats were filled.

We went on the journey to the venue smoothly, and when we were beginning to go on the slope leading to the harbour bridge, I found my right foot sole was not able to press the accelerator down and steadily fix it to maintain a desired speed. It rhythmically press down and then release the pedal repeatedly. I immediately realized this was the tremor of my PD causing the problem. This uncontrollable involuntary foot movement is dangerous to driving. Since then I gradually avoided driving, and eventually I gave up driving from 2008 when my insurer knew my situation and advised me to stop driving because in case any accident happened, my PD could be blamed no matter what.

Studying Yogacara Buddhism

I had this opportunity of getting to know one of the 8 major Buddhism schools, Yogacara, or is known in Chinese community as Fa Xiang sect. Xuan Zang was believed the first Chinese Buddhist advocated its theory. His legendary adventure of travelling to India in 7th century was motivated by his intensive longing for the study of the major sastras of this school under the guidance of master Jiexian based in Nalanto monastery.

When my friend living in Australia  passed me some of his notes jotted down from his careful learning through a heap of audio recordings of Prof. Luo, I immediately realized why almost everyone I asked about their comment of the features of Yogacara Buddhism said unanimously that it is a difficult study for the multitude of ordinary or lower level of learners to try to understand what its doctrines are talking about. With this preoccupied thoughts in mind, I did not really read my friend's notes closely, however, my impression about his notes was that there you will come to see a new Buddhism terminology every three or four words as you read along. The terminologies kept on coming up as I read on, not before the first page was finished, I closed the file, and started writing my friend an e-mail as my feedback.

Now I am more convinced the truth of smartness inequality. The smartness makes one understand a statement quite easily like you. No wonder I had been working like a Kooli all in my career, while you have been successful since young. I mean the quote from your last message, "It will also let you know what is true or false, (though). " true and false is one and cannot be separated

 I came across this statement for the first time when I started learning with master Jing Kong in 2006, and I still not understand it today. But you do. You realise it from head to toe about why smart and stupid is one and is not two and can not be separated. But to my view point, you realised what this means as you read it, and I have read it for the past 9 years and still think they are two real damn things, although I will say this two are one when I am asked this question, but honestly to say I still think you are far smarter than me by 9 plus the number of years till I really attain enlightenment and become one with the universe, then he will agree we are one and are not one.

I have tried another two rounds attempting to attain a breakthrough by finding myself become glued to the seat in front of the computer reading his notes, the book with some interest at least, but both attempts were failed because even though I have become familiar with the scriptures and their meanings now, I was perplexed with most of the statements.





-to be continued-

Reflexology, highly recommended

The attempt to write a post on this topic had been in my mind for a long time. I always had  this urge of posting my review on the benefits this skill can bring to us whenever we apply it on our beloved ones.

When they have any kind of physical discomfort that is not agonizing pain and you are sure it is not an urgent one, then you apply the technique you have learned from experienced Reflexologist on them, and an instant effect is experienced not long after. It sounds unbelievable but to some kinds of ailments every household can see, hear or even experience themselves, such as headache, stomachache, constipation, and etc, Reflexology is really a helpful technique, at least I have witnessed and experienced it by myself.

I have proudly relieved physical discomforts innumerable times for my family members since 1986 when I had gained enough experience of this technique from an activist of this technique. I would like to share a few cases that I found most significant to help to motivate you to give it a go.

Consciousness

By chance, I was introduced to the Yogacara Buddhism in late 2014. To my understanding after having learned through a series of discussion done via a lot of e-mail exchanges, that branch of Buddhism explains that everything in the universe is consciousness only. I have been reviewing and contemplating this theory everyday since then.

Yesterday I landed at a web page where my attention was drawn to a video titled Primacy of Consciousness. That was the first time I realized consciousness is not just a word meaning the state of the mind being aware of certain thing happening at present and responding to it. It has an even wider area which I have never thought of until I watched this documentary video presented by Peter Russell of Cambridge University. One of the question raised in his speech was "Who am I?" I know this is not just a surface question; is not intended to ask "who you are?" or "What's your name?", but to challenge you to pin down the nature of the thoughts that are going on, and being processed when you are asked "Who am I?" The interesting part is at the ending of the speech when the conclusion is set by saying "I Am" is God, and God is everyone. To me as a Buddhist, this is equivalent to "I Am" is the Self and the Self is in everyone. This becomes more understandable to me.

Having finished listening to the video twice, I revisited my inside and paid closest attention to any part of it with the best imaginary power I could get, and I honestly told myself: here has nothing I can use to define "who am I". Then how about the exterior appearance of my physical body? Isn't it looking unique from anyone else in the world and should be good enough to define me just right? But having realized from my previous learning of Buddhism that I am not the same as I was one moment before, so I agree the exterior look of me can not define me as "Who am I". And the same argument can apply to everything in the universe, and so I have now sensed the deeper meaning of the four sentence verse the Buddha put at the end of the Diamond Sutra as a summary of that sutra:

all of the worldly matters

are like dream, delusion, bubble and shadow

they transform like the dew and thunder

they should be viewed so

The statements in the verse taught about 2500 years ago by the Buddha are proved to be true by scientists today. The Yogacara I am learning now, which was developed 300 years after the Buddha's residence supported the same theory which I have just heard from Mr. Russell's speech-- the universe is empty but only consciousness.

But as time goes by, and I have digested the material I watched from video or read from internet forums further, the process of testing the various theories I learned from here and there moves on to see which one is closer to or completely matching what the Buddha concluded about the truth of the universe as quoted above. I tend to believe Mr. Russell's consciousness theory matches the verse a lot, however, his theory is based on the nature of the eight types of consciousness. The Monas must have the other 5 plus the last one, Alayes, to work together as a system to manifest any phenomena. If my interpretation of this theory is correct, it will not help a practitioner in achieving enlightenment.

--to be continued

Learning Yogacara Buddhism

My recent experience from my stagnant dawn meditation taught me a lesson that to see any progress in whatever you do, you can not just satisfy with your achievement of current level of the things. If you do so, you'll experience a slip back and frustration before long. Instead, you must evolve constantly.

My dawn meditation practice is still going without skipping a single day, however, by just sitting and counting the breath-in and breath-out for one or some more hours of time, I have noticed a more frequent wandering around and clinging to the thought that arose randomly during my practice recently. I believe it is time to bring up an evolution movement for my daily sitting at the dawn hour.

A few days after I started writing this article, I received a friend's e-mail from Melbourn updating me his progress on the path of quest for enlightenment. He urged me to study a bit of the Yogacara Buddhism. 

He reckons one of its sutras is like a mini Buddhism encyclopedia and by studying its sutras I will know how our consciousnesses process the external stimulus; understand what is essential in my own spiritual development and which aspect of meditation or recital of Amituofo I have to pay attention to. It will help to make sense of what I am going to do. It will also let me know what is true or false. 

His own great effort spent in the learning of the Yogacara Buddhism himself, and his earnest urging me to learn the effective and helpful subject moved me, and I immediately delved into the learning process right away in the early part of December 2014.

As my friend said it was hard to make sense at the beginning with the terminologies. I tried three times attempting to get a breakthrough for a start to move forward, however, the commentary text essays are difficult for me to understand. Though they are written in Chinese, the scripture of the sutra are translated from Sanskrit into ancient scholar Chinese style. The translation of the Buddhism sutras was taken really seriously by the emperor of that era as a sacred event of his reign, and so I believe its quality was the superb and unsurpassable one. However, readers without a good level on reading the ancient Chinese literature will be knocked out easily. I put out my white flag, and get away from it about a month later.

My friend followed up my progress one day. I told him what had got me stuck. He encouraged me to try other means to get around it such as listening speech of the subject from YouTube. The IT technology is amazing, luckily I landed on an introductory speech of an one hour and half long video presented by Dr. Thomas Tam. I tried to listen to his video on the introduction to the Yogacara Buddhism for a few minutes, and I was sucked in right away. I think what has helped me in the breakthrough of my attempt to learn this branch of Buddhism is because Dr. Tam used adequate similes in places of the difficult terms. Or perhaps it is due to the reason that speeches presented in English are naturally requiring the speaker to have fully understood the Chinese original text first, digested the meaning of the original and then interpreted the processed thoughts into the speech with closest everyday living examples. This is the video that helped me out. Thank you Dr. Tam.

Having got a breakthrough, I came back to read the original literature of Yogacara Buddhism, The Mere Consciousness in 30 verses', which was translated by Xuan Zhuang of Tang Dynasty. And I found I could read through the verses with fairly good level of understanding, I am amazed.

What have I learned from the adventure? The book I have put hands on is "The Mere Consciousness 30 verses". It seems to be describing the  three consciousness- the mind, the Monas and the Alayavijnana; stating the features of each one of them and how they work together.

The mind consciousness is in charge of the 5 sensory organs (eye, ear, nose, tongue, body) or the five receptors of external stimulus (incoming data); The Monas being the 7th consciousness can not stop its natural urge for processing the data within its reach, and involuntarily catches the data collected from the 5 sensory organs to differentiate, compare, analyse, judge, label, organize, rearrange, retrieve, all kind of data processing functions and store them back into Alayanijnana when need to. Lastly the 8th consciousness called Alayanijnana stores anything and everything, freshly new or partially processed, it never bias to any kind of data, all are securely and permanently kept without a trace of loss. This configuration of the eight consciousnesses with their respective function or nature results in becoming a system which is able to track everything the identity did in the past, present, and the consequence of that deed in the future.

The above hypothesis is based on my personal contemplation over the commentary talks presented by preceding masters or Buddhism scholars. There must be a lot of mistakes, but it has developed into something like a seed in terms of its nature and is stored in Alayanijnana be it profound or dump. The seed will at a certain point of the time line meets all the conditions optimal to its sprouting and grow and eventually serves as the condition affecting other seeds to sprout. This seed to fruit process once started will bring up a chain reaction and thus the wonder of the world emerges.

If the seed contains any of the ingredient of negativity, it will manifest in the fruition and bring about suffering to others and vise versa.


--to be continued--